Category: Identity

“I just want to understand my truth rather than what I have been programmed to believe about myself. I am tired of being a robot doing things because I am supposed to. I feel alone.”

This is just one of the comments that was shared with me when a client talked up about her divorce. We do have patterns from our past, things we were taught about the world-such as what it means to be a wife, a mother, a householder. Some of those things are amazing and some don’t serve us. We are programmed and when that veil starts to fall, it can be quite shocking and upsetting. 

Change takes awareness and bravely asking, “how did I get here?” Sometimes it’s the realization that we have been abandoned and neglected. Maybe we made our other roles and responsibilities more important then ourselves. Maybe NOW we are waking up to deeper aspects of who we are and why we are here, which by the ways, IS AMAZING.

Our conversation concluded with her saying, I deserve more and I deserve to be in a relationship where I can thrive and grow.

Damn right.

Wow… there are so many books, magazine articles, workshops, motivational speakers and coaches, self-help courses, and opinions on this difficult — yet deceivingly simple – question! Who are you really?

Are you what you do?
How many times have you asked, and how many times has this been asked of you, “So, what do you do?” That question is so ingrained in us that it is almost as impersonal as how we can ask, “How are you doing?” and not really care or even want to know; we’re just being “kind.” What would you if instead of what you do, someone asked, “So, who are you?” What would you say?

Are you the roles you fill?
For example: Self, parent, child, grandchild, sibling, family member, community member, spouse, employee or employer, tax payer, church member, national or world citizen, etc, on and on. Or how about your hobbies? Outdoors-man or woman, geek, athlete, yoga practitioner, motorcyclist, rafter, pilot, sailor, etc.

Are you your values?
 Does your integrity, competitiveness, certainty, calmness, honesty, freedom, trustworthiness, work ethic, or connection to others define you; are your values who you are?

How about spiritual belief or lack of one?
Most belief systems lean toward a “ghost in the machine” understanding of Self. Philosophers have pondered on who this observer is who lives within us. Is it mind, God, chemical changes in the brain, random firings of your neural synapses? I created an analogy for myself to voice my belief of spirit: In this life, in this body, we are simply moving around in a rental car. It’s not ours, we don’t own it, and we will need to turn it in when the contract expires. However the “Me” driving the rental isn’t turned in with the car.

I have no idea what comes next but have often enjoyed the peace of how differing beliefs try to explain this unknown that we travel into beyond the curtain of death. But that still barely covers the question… Who are you? (Or, more personally, Who am I?)

You’ve read this far musing over my questions waiting for my answer. Sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t have an answer for you. That is what you get to identify on your own. I am here in this post to pose the question and ask you if you’ve thought about it at all lately.

Why is any of this important? Well, going back to our example of driving around in a rental car we can bring the concept of Awareness into the picture. (I’ll write on Awareness later.) Awareness offers you a sense of presence in this moment. If you’re driving your car around without really being in the car then you are not really in the activity of living your life are you? I mean… you’re not even daydreaming. You’re just not there. You are lost in the thoughts you allow to control your mind, your life, and your experience of the present moment. Sound harsh?  Do you disagree? Think of this then….

How many times have you driven anywhere in your own car realizing somewhere along the drive that you weren’t really in the car? How often do you get to work and not really have any true direct experience of driving. Did you run any lights? Did you cut anyone off while talking on the phone oblivious to others around you? Well sure! We’ve ALL done that.

You are defined by the level and attention you give to your actions in this moment. Next time you brush your teeth — only brush your teeth. Next time you talk to you partner — be only with your partner. During dinner — taste the food, feel the sensation of fueling your body, take your time. Multitasking minimizes your experience of life by letting you sample random moments without partaking of the feast. Don’t get me wrong, multitasking is a useful tool. Unfortunately though it is how most of us live our lives.

So, based on this idea, my understanding is that you are this moment right now. You will either be present to it or let it drift away like others before it. You will either experience it fully or you will discard it without a thought. You are not your occupation or birth order in your family. You are not your body or your strengths and weaknesses. You are not what you believe, feel, or think. Especially, you are not your mind.

This is ALL you have, all you are… just this moment. What are you going to do with it; how are you going to experience it? How will you spend this most finite resource?

All I ask is that you think about it for yourself.

Live your best,

Zane Darner
The Condition of Happiness Podcast

P.S. Oh, if your answer is, “I don’t know.” That is a GOOD thing. It means now you can go about this discovery with a clean slate. If you don’t know what you are, know what you are not and vice versa. Today is a great day to start. Right now. In this moment.